1.) Ah, nothing screams, “I’m making an American director making a movie set in Italy than a credit sequence featuring Volare.
2.) Oh, cool. Is this going to be told from the perspective of another character and then have everything changed at the very end.
3.) It is not. The traffic cop was just introducing us to the characters of the story.
4.) There’s Alison Pill. I’ll forever picture her screaming out, “We are Sex-Bob-omb! 1-2-3!” I watch Scott Pilgrim too much.
5.) Alec Baldwin is talking to some other actors in this scene and I should be paying attention but that tiramisu looks soooo good. Why isn’t anyone eating it?!
6.) Nervous Woody Allen. Still hilarious.
7.) I don’t know who this newlywed couple is, but I suspect they’re going to be the main Italian portion of the film.
8.) There’s another clip of Roberto Benigini waking up. Still trying to figure out how his average Joe character fits into this story.
9.) Alessandra Mastronardi (the wife portion of that newlywed couple) is lost. Woody Allen multiple people giving different directions humor.
10.) Mastronardi is standing in the middle of a giant open plaza. Camera is doing a 360 and, why hello there anonymous extra in a white tank top and bronzed skin looking like a goddess. Stop spinning so fast camera! Wait, don’t walk out of frame! Nooo…. Hey there’s Mastronardi again.
11.) Mark Zuckerberg meets Alec Baldwin.
12.) Roberto Benigni at the office. And wholly smokes, if I knew the Italian word for ridiculously hot, that would describe the secretary. I’da like-a to stuff-a her ravioli! Mamma mia!
13.) And there’s Ellen Page. Guaranteed she drops a few curse words in this film.
14.) And there’s Penelope Cruz. Goodness, that push-up bra is being put to work.
15.) You mean to tell me these aunts and uncles have never seen a picture of Milly? OK, I’ll give you that much Woody.
16.) More subtle Woody Allen humor followed by our first real dose of intellectual humor.
17.) What is the deal with this Alec Baldwin character? Is he a figment of Zuckerberg’s imagination? Or is he really in the room?
18.) Whoa! What the hell?! Where did this Roberto Benigni plot twist come from? Trying. To. Figure. It out.
19.) If a character possesses a talent but is reluctant to share it with the world, he will by the end of the film. This is just Woody putting a unique twist on it.
20.) Right about now, I was falling in love with Midnight in Paris.
21.) These two subplots involving Benigni and Baldwin are really bugging me. Are they supposed to be interpretive? Am I supposed to be sitting here wondering what the heck is going on with Roberto? Am I supposed to be debating internally whether Baldwin is really there or if he’s just a part of Zuckerberg’s imagination? Ugh!
22.) Ah the initial set back. I’m liking the main plot of this movie. I wish it would stop deviating to the subplots.
23.) I coulda swore that was the same extra from the 360 plaza scene. Only slightly blurred.
24.) The Zuckerberg-Ellen Page-Greta Gerwig subplot is boring me. Stop cutting to it!
25.) Geez, there’s a lot of cheating and adultery going on in this movie.
26.) Mamma mia! There’s that secretary again in bed with Benigni. It’s A Beautiful Life!
27.) Ha! Toldja Ellen would drop an F-bomb in the movie.
28.) Woody, you’re asking me to imagine Ellen Page and Jesse Eisenberg having sex in a Fiat. There is no part of that sentence I want to imagine… boy I hope Baldwin really is just Zuckerberg’s imagination.
29.) Ohhhh so that’s what Benigni’s character was all about. Way to back your way into social commentary Woody.
30.) Abrupt and sudden end to the Page-Zuckerberg-Gerwig love triangle subplot.
31.) This opera gimmick is getting kind of stale. We must be getting near the end of the movie right?
32.) Milly’s a player.
33.) Ah the climax of the main plot. Rest assured if this was happening in real life, people would be like WTF?!
34.) Milly subplot wrapped up rather abruptly. Of the three subplots, that one was the most entertaining (that’s not saying much).
35.) Is that hot anonymous extra in the opera crowd? Boy, I’d love to stuff her canoli. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.
36.) Rome at night is kind of nice. Why are we panning over to an apartment. Who’s this sweaty, hairy dude? Oh, he must be from the Italy Tourism Agency.
37.) You know what would be funnier than plain end credits. More nervous Woody Allen enduring turbulence.
38.) I kinda want a pizza now.