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42 Things I Thought While Watching ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’

A chronological look into what I was thinking while watching ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER.


1.)    Boy I hope this movie isn’t the 2012 version of Cowboys and Aliens…

2.)    Hmm… When did 3D become so common place. I rarely ever see a movie in 2D anymore.

3.)    Wow, that’s a cool opening 3D wide shot of Washington D.C.

4.)    Promise to do nothing foolish. Next scene, foolishness.

5.)    Gimmicky 3D bullet effect. You really can take an eye out!

6.)    Whoa! Don’t fuck with Howard Stark!

7.)    Dominic Cooper has been doing sit-ups and he wants you to know it. Look at them abs.

8.)    Hahaha this is a pretty badass guitar riff as Stark and Abe look over guns.

9.)    Axe > guns

10.) Goofy CGI tree smashing scene. I hope all the CGI isn’t this bad.

11.) Ax twirling montage. Cool.

12.) Man, I’m kinda diggin’ this!

13.) Ramona Flowers!!


14.) Finally, the first vampire kill! Awesome!

15.) **Abe just earned the power of love!**

16.) Kill shot two. Ouch!

17.) Quickly followed by kill shot three. Burn you bastard!!

18.) Benjamin Walker and Ramona Flowers have some serious chemistry going on.

19.) Boy, that’s a strong top hat.

20.) Anthony Mackie!


21.) “Common people are the best looking. That’s why God made so many of them.”

22.) So these vampires aren’t allergic to the sun and they don’t sparkle. Got it.

23.) Are you a vampire being chased by an axe-wielding shopkeeper from Illinois? Swing a horse at him!

24.) BLAM right in the other eye! Now finish him Abe!

25.) Goddamn this 3D is gorgeous!

26.) “We’re all slaves to something.”

27.) This story is starting to drag.

28.) Vampires sweat?

29.) Abraham Lincoln-isms! Preach!

30.) Whoa! Is that Harvey Weinstein leading the North troops at Fort Sumnter?

31.) OK, great 21st Amendment is passed. Can we get back to the vampire killing?

32.) One person just walked out of the theater.

33.) When did this turn into a soap opera? Get back to the vampire killing!

34.) Woohoo! The axe is back!


35.) Oh boy, a train + a collapsing bridge. I must be watching a Tim Bekmambetov movie.

36.) If vampires have such keen sense of smell, how did they miss all those slaves? Or did they just ignore them?

37.) This old man make-up is making Ben Walker look more and more like Liam Neeson.

38.) Tag team! Wait, when did Mackie become an expert ax-man?

39.) Vampire vs. vampire!!

40.) The Gettysburg Address has never sounded sillier.

41.) Should’ve taken him up on the offer Abe.

42.) It’s over?! Man I wanna see this movie again NOW!

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