“We’re gonna need a bigger boat…” And thus, from Jaws was born the idea of how some other groups of boaters would handle having to showdown with a never-say-die great white. While the trio of Roy Schieder’s police chief, Richard Dreyfuss’ nerdy shark-geek and Robert Shaw as the crude, crusty, seasoned shark hunter who’s never short on dirty limericks, is a formidable combo, let’s see how other movie boat crews would fare. Let’s start with the obvious –
Gilligan’s Island – Instead of going on a three-hour tour, this cast of seven sets out to take down the great white monster. Honestly, they’d have a pretty decent shot, what with the Professor’s ingenuity and all, but Gilligan would probably find some way to screw things up. Mr. and Mrs. Howell, Mary Ann and Ginger are all auxilary characters, you don’t really need them. Just the Skipper to take command of everything, the Professor to fashion some killer shark demolishing device and Gilligan to somehow break it or kill everyone with it.
Pirates of the Caribbean – Seriously? The only thing you can say in Jack Sparrow’s favor is that he’s drunk 99% of the time so his death would be rather painless.
Master and Commander – Russell Crowe might have the badass-ness to take on a great white, but even with his cannons, this shark is bulletproof and attacks with vengeance. A few head-first nosedives and that boat’s goin’ down!
Hmmm, so it seems movie boat people aren’t able to take this thing out. Let’s try some modern day characters. Like Leonardo DiCaprio from Inception. He could infiltrate the shark’s dreams (if sharks actually dream) and “incept” the idea of, um, not attacking him and maybe swimming far, far away? But then the thing is still alive and our objective is a massive plate of shark shashimi! And besides, even if he kills the shark, how do we know he’s not dreaming? Or maybe he isn’t and the sharks not real… Whoa… Deep.
Let’s see, who else… The Dark Knight? Nah, he has enough trouble with two pyschopaths on dry land. Dirty Harry, John McClane, Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction? Unlucky, Yippie-kai-R.I.P. and dead with a Jeri curl. Superman? He could definitely kick some shark butt, er, fin, er, tail. But I bet he couldn’t tell a dirty limerick like Quint.